Scenes From An Election

(reprinted by permission from various news services)

... world was stunned today when God Himself accepted the Republican nomination for President of the United States ... "I've taken a day to rest and think about it," he was quoted as saying, "and I'm excited to get back to work" ... Democrats are not without a headline grabbing candidate of their own as Jesus Christ accepted that party's nomination ... God Himself announced today that he had chosen Zeus as his running mate ... Christ named Buddah as his running mate ... debate raged yesterday when as yet unrevealed sources claimed the Republican candidate had attempted to coerce Mr. Abraham to kill his own son in cold blood ... "I'm being called a demiurge," God said in a press conference, "well, I'm not a demiurge!" ... "If I am elected president," Mr. Christ said, "my first order of business will be to pull our troops out. Let's end this war and admit we made a mistake. Can I get a hallelujah?" Mr. Christ then raised his arms gregariously and strutted emphatically away from the podium amidst thunderous applause ... Republican vice presidential candidate Zeus has been called a war monger by the left wing media ... Mr. Zeus has been accused of sexual harrassment, abuse and even rape by over fifty women against ... Zeus, sweating profusely, was forced to take his name off the ballot in a press conference ... vehemently denied rumours of his sexual misdeeds from his compound in Greece ... America is swept up in Jesus fever ... Jesusmania continues to sweep the nation ... republicans are calling it the 'cult of Jesus' ... republican senator Ares had this to say, "it's like the liberals are worshipping this Jesus guy. Well, we believe there is only one supreme being in the universe, and we've got him on our ticket" ... Mr. Christ was unfazed by the criticism laid at his doorstep by opponents ... criticism concerning Christ's inexeperience continues to resound ... "A vote for Jesus is a vote for change," Jesus said at a rally on Tuesday, "can I get a hallelujah?" ... breaking news on Wednesday ... Scandal ... disillusioned masses ... it's official ... confirmed reports on Thursday that the democratic nominee for president Jesus Christ is actually the son of republican nominee God Himself ... nation was stunned on Thursday ... Jesus remains outwardly calm, but ... suffered a huge blow ... the Jesus camp said that the issue was "irrelevant." ... still has support in some coastal states ... polls open tomorrow morning, so get out and vote America ... polls are closed and it's official ... it's a landslide ... Landslide! ... "confirming that yes, it is indeed a landslide" ... largest margin of victory in the history ... victory speech ... "who's you're daddy," an elated God Himself said as balloons and confetti rained down from the rafters, "don't mess with God." ...