Things mom should have told you about aliens

5). Do not conduct intercourse with extraterrestrial beings:

How can this end well? Whether it’s an attractive girl from Cocoon or an ugly and powerful girl like the Queen Alien from Aliens, what is important is the answer to the question: what happens if someone gets pregnant? Well we saw what happened in the Aliens movies.

But there are far less disgusting – but just as terrifying – results awaiting you if you do get it on with an ET.

For instance who gets custody of the green little critter and how does that work when one parent lives on Earth and the other could live on a planet named Marmor 100s of millions of light years away?

What if, e-gads, that planet allows abortions to go on without a sniper following them around? That is a way of life we have here – do you want your half-earthling child to grow up in a planet like that.

What if they don’t believe in God? Your child could be raised to be an unholy little bastard and there is little you or your priest can do about it.

No, the complications are too many. The results too few.

Keep it in your pants.

Things mom should have told you about aliens

4). Never approach an alien on your own:

Would you approach a pack of wolves? Of course not and you wouldn’t want to approach an alien or a group of aliens. Lord knows where they have been.

Think about it. Theses are aliens. They came from outer space. If you didn’t know they existed before their visit then you don’t know what else exists out there. We’re talking disease on a universal scale people.

You touch an alien you could end up with a cosmic communicable disease. The rotting insides become a precursor for your decaying outsides.

Better not to touch them before the Hasmat team sprays them down.

Things mom should have told you about aliens

3). Keep it real:

If an alien visits there is no need to "freak" out. Assume the best. Remember you are the first human they will see – you are the AMBASSADOR OF EARTH.

One thing you should keep in mind is that an alien invasion is not a right to make the joke, “take me to your dealer.” We have all seen the poster. Aliens don’t smoke pot and they don’t know where the “good stuff” is. The only thing smoking at that point will be your insides after a death ray "incident".

Instead, kindly wave to the newcomer and tell him or her – or it: “Welcome to earth, home of cheese.”

They will be suitably impressed that the dominant species on earth could use friendly surrogate spoiled milk for nachos.

If they look at you like you are an idiot merely walk away and yell: “cows, get em!” Watch them get scared.

Things mom should have told you about aliens

1). Buy alien abduction insurance:

The rides in open space can be bumpy -- especially with a three-foot rod stuck up your large intestine. Isn’t it time you prepared for the worst?

Why take a chance that the anal probing won’t go wrong? You know it will – no man has ever walked from a probing without feeling a little different. Voices change, men buy purses and begin to cry. WE CAN OFFER MONEY FOR THIS!

The lame people with Heaven’s Gate knew all about space safety.There was a time when you could buy it directly from Goodfellow Rebecca Ingrams Pearson (GRIP). However, those days are done since those Heaven’s Gate pussies snuffed themselves before their alien overlords were able to abduct them properly.

As you look to the skies you need not feel fear for now you can buy AAI from The Theater of Technicolor Dreams. At $10 per month – a meagre $120 per year – we guarantee a pay out of 4000 pesos if you are abducted. If your story checks out and we can sell it to the press your benefits triple at no extra charge to you.

Too good to be true? You believe in aliens don’t you?

Buy now and we’ll throw in an Arizona Cardinals t-shirt from their 1998 glory season. Remember the “We are wild (card) winners” slogan? Neither do we – and now you can relive that slogan year-after-year.

TTD’s Alien abduction insurance. For when beam me up Scotty goes very badly.