HOUSEHOLD SOLUTIONS SCARECROW SECURITY UNIT

After some trepidation, Fredrik Jordan Sr. contacted Household Solutions Company and placed an order.

“The scarecrow?” the voice on the other end of the line queried, “oh yes, we've seen a sales spike for those units recently. Okay, that’s one twenty for the unit, installation fee: forty dollars, shipping and handling, parts and labor, plus you’ve decided to go with the FieldWatch Security package … is that correct, Mr. Jordan?”

“Yeah,” he said, rubbing his forehead, “give me all that crap. Fully loaded, damn it.”

“Okay so, your total comes to two hundred and sixty dollars and sixty four cents. The total includes your first month’s payment on the rental of the FieldWatch monitoring system. How will you be paying?…”

And within a couple days, it was out there, watching over his proud crops with its eerie monitoring eyes in its rotating head. With a sigh he took one last look at the thing, then turned off the porch light and walked achily upstairs to bed.

“What do you need one of those things for?” his neighbor’s voice rang through his head, “nobody’s had any trouble in these parts.”

“I know,” he recalled saying, “it’s the family. Somewhere they got it in their head that no crop is safe without one of these damn things. The kid must have seen it on TV.”

***

“Listen,” he said, “sssh. Do you hear that?”

His wife listened. “I don’t hear anything,” she said, groggily.

“That noise,” he said drawing back the curtains and peering out the window, “it’s like a low hum.”

“It’s probably to keep the birds away, but I don’t hear anything. Get back to bed,” she said, and buried her face in the pillow.

Alright you bastards, he thought, I‘m on to you.

***

The Jordans sauntered up and down the aisles of the Super Duper Market, cart straining under the weight of groceries. Freddy junior grabbed a bag of Boffo brand paper towels and tossed it in the cart, grasping impulsively for the next item.

Fred Sr. picked up the paper towels and studied them, compared prices. He replaced the Boffo towels with a generic brand.

“These ones are eighty cents cheaper,” he said.

“I want Boffo,” Freddy jr. said.

“Yeah? I don’t care,” Fred sr. said, “what do you think, we grow money on our farm?”

Freddy jr. picked up the Boffo paper towels and said, “I want these ones.”

“Put those back.”

Freddy junior’s chin began to quiver and he threw a fit.

“Cut it out,” Mrs. Jordan said, “we’re in public.”

“I don’t care,” Freddy jr. said between sobs.

“Well you better care,” Fred sr. said, “be glad we’re in public, kid, or I’d give you such a smack.”

“Just let him have it, Fred,” his wife said with a sigh.

“What? No. He can’t always get his way. Look at this, the kid put half the crap in this cart. Most of this isn’t even kid stuff.”

“Fred,” she grabbed the generic brand paper towels forcefully out of the cart, “from now on, we choose Boffo. I mean, everybody knows Boffo brand paper towels are sixty percent more absorbent than the leading competitor!”

She put the Boffo towels in the cart. Fred senior said nothing, he was deep in thought.

***

He had a hard time getting to sleep that night. It was the hum, so low it was hard to hear, which was the very thing that made it impossible to ignore. He walked bitterly downstairs and turned on the TV.

“--more from the Late Night Show after this …”

The first commercial flashed on screen. It was for Boffo brand paper towels. He scoffed, remembering.

“… remember, Boffo brand paper towels are sixty percent more absorbent than the leading competition. Boffo, a division of Household Solutions Company.”

Fredrik Jordan sat bolt upright in his chair, his mouth dropped open. The next commercial sprang on.

“You know folks, no crop is safe without the Household Solutions scarecrow security unit --”

Sickened, he turned off the TV. He got up and paced, wandered into the kitchen. On impulse he checked the fridge and cupboards.

Boffo apple juice.

Boffo cereal.

Everything Boffo brand …

He ran upstairs and shook his wife awake.

“Kate! Kate, wake up!”

“Mmm, what? What is it? What’s wrong?”

“How much TV have you been watching lately?”

“What kind of a question is that to wake somebody up for?”

“Just answer the question. How much TV have you been watching?”

“I don’t watch TV, I read. You know that. What’s gotten into you?”

“Yeah … yeah. That’s right. You don’t watch TV. Are you sure, though, sure you haven’t been watching just a little bit?”

“Yes! Now let me get my sleep.”

“Mom!” Freddy jr. called from down the hall.

“Now look what you did,” she said, and she groggily got out of bed and walked to Freddy’s room.

Fred sr. wandered over to the window and brushed aside the curtains, looked out at the scarecrow security unit. Its glowing, lifeless eyes scanned the field in three hundred and sixty degrees on its rotating head.

***

The next day the neighbor, Dave Miller, was back.

“How’s that scarecrow working out for you?” he asked.

“I’m taking it down and sending it back,” Fred said, “you were right, we didn’t need it after all.”

“Well,” Miller said, “I’ve been doing some thinking about it and the idea’s starting to grow on me.”

“How’s that?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about it mornings is all. I get out of bed and I think to myself, ‘you know Dave, no crop is safe without the Household Solutions scarecrow security unit.’”

“Wait a minute. That’s the company line, Miller. Where’d you hear that? Have you been watching TV?”

“Huh? No, I don’t watch TV myself. The idiot box is what rots the brain, you see? But, those thoughts just come to me.”

“Wait. Do you hear that? It’s that noise again.”

“What noise is that, Fred?”

“Are you trying to tell me you don’t hear that low hum? God, I can’t even hear myself think!”

“I don’t hear nothing.”

Fredrik Jordan pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply.

“Oh,” Miller said, “here comes Mr. Taylor.”

Taylor was Fred’s other neighbor on the opposite side. He strolled up confidently with a pamphlet in his hand.

“Good,” Fred said, “he’s probably come to complain about the noise.”

“Howdy neighbors,” Taylor said jovially, “is that a Household Solutions scarecrow security unit you got there?”

“Yeah, sure is,” Fred said, “look, sorry about the noise, pal. I’m taking care of it right now.”

“Been thinking the past couple days about getting one myself.”

Fredrik Jordan said nothing. He stalked purposefully into his shed and took out his axe. He charged over to the Household Solutions scarecrow security unit # 3427 and began chopping at its base amid the gasps and protests of his neighbors. It was feverish and sweaty work and he didn’t stop chopping until the humming stopped.

When it was over he leaned against the long axe handle, panting.

“Well,” he said, catching his breath, “what you think about it now?”

“Fred,” Miller said, brow wrinkling, “are you all right, buddy?”

“Yeah,” Taylor said, “you don’t look too good.”

“No,” Fred said, “I’m better than good, I feel great! Oh my God, it’s over. It’s all over.”

Fredrik Jordan’s ear snapped to attention. His body stiffened to alertness by a sound. A low hum that sounded from the distance.

“I just wanted to tell you,” Taylor said, “I’ve been thinking about getting one the past couple days so I took the plunge. They’re at my place, fixing it up right now.”

Fredrik Jordan simply shook his head, “no. No. No! They got to you Taylor! And you too if you’re not careful, Miller!”

“Take it easy there, partner,” Miller said.

“Take it easy? Can’t you hear it? Are you insane!? What’s wrong with you people!? What’s wrong with everyone!?”

Fredrik Jordan ran across the field, ran as far as he could go. He kept running until his legs gave out and collapsed. Taylor and Miller exchanged worried looks.

“Boy,” Miller whistled and said, “poor guy. Guess he must have snapped for some reason. Overworked I guess. So what's all this about the Household Solutions scarecrow security unit?”

“I just got mine installed, just this minute. I couldn't wait to tell you guys the good news,” Taylor said, beaming, “after all, no crop is safe without one. Which brings me to why I came over here today. Here, I thought you should read this.”

He handed Miller the pamphlet for a brand new Household Solutions scarecrow security unit.